Top 7 reasons I'm the greatest friend ever

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
4. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
5. When you are confused - I will use little words.
6. When you are sick - Stay the heck away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
7. When you fall - I will point and laugh at you.